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A DRIVERíS CHRISTMAS New Year's Resolutions for Horses
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It was late December at a Christmas show,
last class of the day and it was starting to snow.
A dozen turnouts had answered the horn
with pairs and tandems and a unicorn.
The paddock man yelled "I'm closing the gate!"
when in swooped a turnout with a team of eight.
The judge shook his head and consulted his card,
then flipped through his rulebook and looked real hard
For the section of the code, on which page it lay,
for the turnout specs that applied to a sleigh
With a hitch of eight that were not equine...
then with a flash of red nose the hitch counted nine!
The whip on this rig was dressed for the night
in a bright red coat and fur lap robe tucked tight
Around his belly and over his lap,
and jingle bells hung from the fur on his cap.
Obviously he hadn't seen the "No Smoking" sign
as he puffed on his pipe while he guided his nine.
The announcer called "Trot" and the carriages glided
while the gaze of the audience was pretty one-sided
For the gent in red went around and around
while it seemed his team didn't quite touch the ground.
On the reverse the horses all got a look
at the gleaming gold sleigh and that's all it took
For the bays and the chestnuts, the gray and the black,
to break to a canter and refuse to come back.
They were snorting and pawing and a pair started to rear
when the sleigh driver shouted "You have nothing to fear."
"I got a little off course as I started my flight
and decided to make this show my first stop of the night.
"I'm afraid I paid no entry fee nor filled out the form
and I know my sleigh is out of the norm.
"In fact, no blue ribbons or some other prize,
I've a sackful of goodies, for all a surprise."
Then he lined up his hitch right beside the stunned judge,
hopped out of his rig and gave him a nudge
And a gaily wrapped gift from the pack in the sleigh
while other entries crowded 'round with a snort and a neigh.
Soon that jolly old elf had delivered his loot
to each of the whips and ringmaster to boot,
Then hopped back in his sleigh and to his team gave a whistle
and away they all flew like the down of a thistle,
But we heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight,
"May your forty meter circles all be round and just right."
* I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
* I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
* I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
* I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
* I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
* I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it is there.
* I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
* I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
* I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
* I CAN walk and potty at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
* I will NOT stop and potty every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
* I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
* My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to potty.
* I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
* I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
* I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
* I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
* I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
* I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
* I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
* I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
* I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
* I accept that not every carrot is for me.
* I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
* I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.
* I will understand that bicycles are NOT carnivorous.
* I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
* I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
* I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.
from "My Little Sister's Horse Jokes"
New Year's Resolutions for Horses
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